It’s that time again, when Hollywood rewards itself by throwing an extravagant awards show called the Academy Awards. It is here where 95% of showbiz industry weirdos gather to put on a ton of ChapStick and kiss as much of each other's asses as humanly possible. Since 1929 the industry has honored its own at said awards by handing out a gold statue called “The Oscar” that was molded after Mexican actor and director Emilio Fernandez.
But enough with the Oscar history. Who cares. What you care about, dear reader, is who is going to win the coveted statue so you can sweep up at your office Oscar pool. Think you've got it locked down? Been calling the Oscar hotlines for tips by Vegas experts? Held numerous late night parties where you discussed who will win and why with your closest friends? All a waste of time.
In Oscar predictions I am a whopping 4,238 – 0. I cannot lose because I am an expert in everything which is why you are reading this article. That or you accidentally clicked on it. I am here to give you the predictions you want and deserve. Who will walk away a winner? Who will walk away a big, fat loser? Let's find out.
**DISCLAIMER** These predictions are for entertainment purposes only. Even though they will be 100% accurate do not blame me if your picks are wrong because you decided instead to go with your “gut instinct.”
Some categories will be omitted because nobody cares about short films and makeup.
Writing – Original Screenplay
The King's Speech: A screenplay about a king who has to read a speech? How complicated could that be? Crazy white people and their stories.
The Kids Are All Right: This comedy/drama/lesbian/action/romantic/zombie adventure has a lot going for it. Will it win?
Inception: Clearly the most creative film of last year. Even if it doesn't win, just dream that it did.
The Fighter: A sports athlete overcomes the odds? Sooooo original...
Another Year: Another loser.
Prediction: The Kids Are All Right
I doubt if the old farts voting for these things even knew what the hell Inception was about.
Writing – Adapted Screenplay
127 Hours: Man goes hiking. Man gets trapped. Man saws off own arm. I cry like little girl. I mean, the audience cried.
True Grit: The reg not darn with the book Wayner on the movie. Har har har.
The Social Network: Adapted from a book that only told one side of the story? Unlike.
Toy Story 3: Why is it adapted, you ask? Because it's a sequel and isn't considered original. Put that in your pipe and blow bubbles out of it.
Winter's Bone: I'd be happier about this if it were the title of a porno. Ha! Totally nailed that joke.
Prediction: The Social Network
I don't see the Academy awarding Winter's Bone and since they all hate cartoons this is the best bet.
Alice in Wonderland: A crappy movie in any dimension.
Iron Man 2: Most impressive effect was making Mickey Rourke not look like The Toxic Avenger.
Inception: Alright, let's spin the room! Now let's spin the camera! And CGI! Cut!
Hereafter: Wait, people actually watched this movie?
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part I: They'll pull a Lord of the Rings and wait for the last installment before awarding it.
Give it at least one statue or the Batman nerds will burn down Hollywood.
Music – Original Score
127 Hours: A very energetic score that keeps the blood pumpi...OH GOD HE CUT HIS ARM OFF.
The King's Speech: There was a score for this? I was too engrossed in watching all the proper honkies to notice.
Inception: BRAAAAAA! BRUUUUUUUUM! BROOOUUAAAAIIIIEEEEEEEMMMMM!
How To Train Your Dragon: GTFO with this movie being nominated for anything.
The Social Network: Trent Reznor scored Quake. Which means Trent Reznor gets my vote.
Prediction: The Social Network
Sorry Viking horns, not enough to give Inception the win. And where was Daft Punk's Tron: Legacy nomination? Morons.
Gasland: Oil drilling and the environment? Yawn.
Inside Job: No thanks. I already watch the news.
Restrepo: Are there any feel-good documentaries this year?
Waste Land: A doc about a landfill and garbage pickers. Also known as Venice Beach.
Exit Through the Gift Shop: A prank? A hoax? Is it art? Is it entertaining? Yesyesyesno.
Prediction: Exit Through the Gift Shop
Even though it's highly overrated, it's the least disturbing of the bunch.
Animated Feature Film
How to Train Your Dragon: How to Nominate Mediocrity.
The Illusionist: Would take some real magic for this one to beat Pixar. Get it? Magic? AHAHAHAHA! Man, I'm on fire!
Toy Story 3: Gee, I wonder if it will win.
Prediction: Toy Story 3
The insulting throwaway category by the Academy continues to disappoint. Maybe one day they'll take animated films seriously.
Christopher Nolan (Inception): He's not nominated, I just like annoying fanboys.
Darren Aronofsky (Black Swan): Girl on girl action gets my vote.
David Fincher (The Social Network): Wow. Great job getting the actors to say their lines, David.
Tom Hooper (The King's Speech): “More stuttering, Colin! I need more stuttering!”
The Coen Brothers (True Grit): Sometimes I think these guys purchase their nominations...
David O. Russell (The Fighter): “Mark, just do whatever you did in Invincible. I'm going to lunch.”
Prediction: Tom Hooper (The King's Speech)
This one could go either way but I'm pretty sure the white guy is gonna win. Lock in your vote now.
Actress in a Supporting Role
Melissa Leo (The Fighter): Big deal. She acts like my annoying-ass neighbor. Next, please.
Jacki Weaver (Animal Kingdom): Mate, mate, oy, mate! Mate, bang! Bang! Me sons! Me sons!
Hailee Steinfield (True Grit): You've got quite the career ahead of you. A win now would kill it. Just ask Cuba Gooding Jr.
Helena Bonham Carter (The King's Speech): What the hell did she do that was so special? Sometimes these nominations puzzle me.
Amy Adams (The Fighter): One of the few movies where Amy wasn't wearing Mom jeans.
Prediction: Amy Adams
3rd time’s the charm? Besides, Disney already printed up posters that say: The Muppets starring Academy Award-winning actress Amy Adams. And that dude from Sarah Marshall.
Actress in a Leading Role
Natalie Portman (Black Swan): Natalie's crying in another movie! What range Princess Amidala! What range!
Nicole Kidman (Rabbit Hole): Honestly Nicole, you bore me. Your movies bore me. Your face bores me. I'd still do you though.
Michelle Williams (Blue Valentine): We won't be hearing her name read out loud twice. Sorry Michelle. But there will be lots of alcohol after to console you.
Jennifer Lawrence (Winter's Bone): She is way cute. Wait, is she over 18? I can compliment her without sounding creepy, can't I? I just wanna lick your face, Jennifer...
Annette Bening (The Kids Are All Right): She's become the Susan Lucci of the Academy Awards. Just give her the damn thing already. It'll probably give her more pleasure than Warren ever could.
Prediction: Annette Bening
Because if she doesn't win she'll hang herself. Hand to God.
Actor in a Supporting Role
Jeremy Renner (The Town): You were good. When I could understand you through that stupid Boston accent.
Mark Ruffalo (The Kids Are All Right): Way to get nominated for acting like yourself, Mark.
Geoffrey Rush (The King's Speech): He might lose but if he does he can look forward to next year's nomination for Pirates 4!
Christian Bale (The Fighter): You lost weight and acted like a total jerk? You got this one in the bag, Batman!
John Hawkes (Winter's Bone): Anyways, Bale was pretty awesome in The Fighter, wasn't he?
Prediction: Christian Bale
That experience on Newsies finally paid off!
Actor in a Leading Role
Javier Bardem (Biutiful): It's nice to see Javier on here because he really deserves to be nominated for his work in Biutiful. Shame he's going up against powerhouse Jessie Eisenberg!
Jeff Bridges (True Grit): I love you Jeff Bridges and I want you to win. But you won't. Which saddens me.
James Franco (127 Hours): He actually deserves to win for his performance in this film. But he won't. Still, no arm in trying. Ba dum dum…
Jesse Eisenberg (The Social Network): God, he's such an amazing actor. Did you see Scott Pilgrim and Superbad? Loved him in those movies. Good luck Jesse!
Colin Firth (The King's Speech): Doesn't stand a chance against a veteran like Jesse Eisenberg. Ever see Year One? Exactly.
Prediction: Colin Firth
I th-th-th-think he'll win jus-juuuu-juuu-just because he was so g-g-g-goood in The King's Sp-sp-spee-speech m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-movie.
Inception: Keep dreaming ‘cause you ain't winning.
The King's Speech: You'll laugh, you'll cry. You'll look for some stuttering fool to call a friend. Ah, the magic of movies.
The Fighter: Body blow! Body blow! Ya, been there done that. Sorry Fighter, you're going down for the count.
Winter's Bone: Well, it was either this or Grown Ups. Coin toss I guess.
127 Hours: Wonderful movie. It'll get a arm, I mean warm reception, but hands down not a cut above the others. #wit
The Kids Are Alright: I'm actually pulling for this one. I thought it was a great film. Shame it won't win. The Academy has a one-lesbian-per-picture rule.
True Grit: Suck my saddle, Academy. You ignored Open Range, yet nominate this? Idiots.
Toy Story 3: This actually was the best movie of 2010, but the Academy is awarding it already for best animated feature. Sorry, Pixar.
The Social Network: This one looks to be the favorite, but it'll have to go through King's Speech to get there.
Black Swan: Good movie, but not the best of the year. Had he thrown in one more Portman sex scene it would have won, guaranteed.
Prediction: The King's Speech
Social Network, you're a good movie but I could barely sit through you a second time. This is the year of royalty and white bread goodness for the Academy, not fan pages and like buttons.
There you go folks. Your guaranteed 100% lock for this year's winners. Reward me with your hot sister's phone number or simply get on your knees and kiss my ring finger next time you see me. Either way we're all coming out winners. Except for the nominees who didn't get an Oscar. HA! F-ing losers!
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