One's a Twi-hard, the other's Twi-agnostic. Guess which one's which? Dave and Jen discuss The Twilight Saga: Eclipse to get to the bottom of the sparkly vampire phenomenon.
**Spoiler warning: Details of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse and the upcoming two-part final film, Breaking Dawn, are mentioned below.
Dave: Okay! So let's talk about GREEN HORNET! I'm ready!
Jen: Uhhhh, Dave?
Dave: Okay! So let's talk about EAT PRAY LOVE!
Jen: Well, that's not exactly the romantic epic I was thinking about.
Dave: Okay, I am now ready to talk about ENTER THE VOID!
Jen: That's not it, either -- although if Bill Condon gets creative he could take a very interesting cue from Enter the Void for the birthing scene in his 2011 sequel The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn. So… let's talk TWILIGHT!
Dave: Why do I have to wait through Eclipse to get to the part where she has a monsterbaby?
Jen: Because all good things come to those who wait. Sometimes, those things are bloody, gory child birthings of half-human, half-monster babies. You know, they made Eclipse to be more action-packed than the previous two Twilight films, with plenty of vampire-on-vampire-on-werewolf violence. In other words, it's kinda-sorta-almost your kind of movie!
Dave: Really? Because when I think of you and this series, I think of you saying words like: "DREAMY." "SPARKLY." "ROMANTIC."
Jen: Yes! To all of the above! It's also "limb-tearing," "head-ripping," and "scary!" Well, as scary as a Twilight film can be.
Dave: I do not believe it is scary. And we should say that, as of this conversation, I have not yet seen the film—my only opportunity takes place less than 48 hours before it opens--and you have seen it 13 times already.
Jen: And in IMAX! Ginormous face-amplifying IMAX! Which I do not recommend, by the way. David Slade, the director, has a serious jones for extreme close-ups.
Dave: Migrainemax. I will pass on it. But I have to say, so that the Twiharders don't hate me, that I am not, in my soul, opposed to any of this. Because I like frenzy; I like superfandom as a thing to look at and be fascinated by. I will also say that I actually enjoyed the first movie BECAUSE of the superfans.
Jen: Hurrah! That's what I like to hear: a non-Twihard with an open mind.
Dave: The first Twilight film was totally fun as a freaky phenomenon, and because it's kind of hilarious to watch Kristen Stewart do a deadpan swoon, which has now become kind of her trademark. The whole thing is interesting in the way that watching people fall in love. They’re into you. You’re happy for them but kind of detached.
Jen: Well, I'm happy to report that in Eclipse, KStew's trademark hair stroking and angsty blinking and nervous stammering is gone. After Edward up and left her in the woods in the last movie -- which was way not cool, Edward -- this is a newer, more confident Bella. Thank goodness.
Dave: I disliked New Moon. I was bored.
Jen: I understand. Like most Twilight fans, the reason I like the movies is because I love the books. And the movies, no matter how flawed they've been (and they have been), have stayed true to the emotions that captivated me in the books.
Dave: Can you explain that part a bit? Because I see this relationship as abusive. And I'm not the originator of that line of thinking. I think Edward is abusive to Bella and she oughta dump him. See, I never fell in love as a teenager. I was very busy being angry and hating everything.
Jen: Bella feels what real girls feel when they are that age. And although both of the men in her life wind up doing messed up things to her, she does it right back to them. So in a way, it's all equal: Everyone's messed up!
Dave: Well okay then. In Eclipse does she do some more assertive messing with them?
Dave: I will let this unfold. I will see it through to the end. Yes, because it's my job. But also because I just would. Meanwhile, I await with anticipation the MONSTERBABY. To satisfy me it will have to be as awesome as It's Alive, the '70s horror classic about a monsterbaby.
Jen: What are your feelings on Robsten?
Dave: What's a Robsten?
Jen: Err, nevermind. Do you enjoy hearing fans scream and squeal ("squee" is the official technical term) in a theater whenever actors kiss on screen or when beautifully manscaped teenage boys take off their shirts?
Dave: Yes. It's great. It's like being on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride with a 4-year-old. [Pause] So, in summation, Twiheadz: I am not against you. I am your skeptical friend who is amused by your obsession and yet I get the concept of obsession and I'm into the mania.
Jen: As one of said Twiheadz, I'm happy to hear that. We'll have to go see Eclipse together so my excitement can rub off on you. And then we'll both wait for monsterbaby to appear in the next sequel!
Dave: I'm in. Go MONSTERBABY!