Critics' Corner: It’s Fancy Awards Season Time and We’ve Got Fancy Awards to Give Out

Critics' Corner: It’s Fancy Awards Season Time and We’ve Got Fancy Awards to Give Out

Dec 22, 2011

Grae Drake and Dave White are a two-person voting block and their judgments are final.

Grae: It's that certain time of year, Dave White.

Dave: The time of year when I realize that, in the world of movie criticizing, I am the janitor.

Grae: Oh come on, you're at least Good Will Hunting.

Dave: Nice of you to say, but the fact remains I do not belong to an important critic’s voting group.

Grae: You know, there's a part of me that is laughing at all those suckers with their ballots and crazy screening schedules. And another part of me that feels a real hole in my heart where a hanging chad should be.

Dave: And it’s that burning resentment that shall guide us as we create our own awards here, right now. Unfortunately, this site has the most generic name in the entire world, which would mean we’d have to call them The Moviesies. And The Whities sounds racist. Therefore—

Grae: The Drakies! The statuette is a koala riding both a swan and an emu, holding a samurai sword (so the statue can be used effectively as a weapon).

Dave: My first award is for Best Mall Kiosk Fashion Hats. And the winner is The Roommate. I want The Roommate to sweep this award ceremony, by the way.

Grae: My first award is for The Best Olsen in a 2011 Film. And the winner is Mary Kate Olsen in Beastly! Admittedly a small category, but it's gonna make for an awkward Christmas for Mary Kate and her sister Elizabeth, who was in Martha Marcy May Marlene.

Dave: We're in complete agreement on that one, too.

Grae: I have another. The Movie That Made Me Most Want to Put Jean Luc Godard in a Nursing Home: Film Socialisme.

Dave: I'm giving Godard my own Drakie for BEST PICTURE for Film Socialisme. How you like them apples?

Grae: Uh oh. Janitor war.

Dave: Moving on. Out of Nowhere Justification for Matthew McConaughey's Continued Existence at the Precise Moment When You Thought All Hope Was Lost: The Lincoln Lawyer.

Grae: See, I liked that movie, but am reluctant to reward McConaughey for keeping his shirt on like he did. I don't want him to make it a habit, you see?

Dave: I get it, but the Drakies are all about truth. And while we’re on the subject of truth, the next award is for The Film That Was So Inconsequential and Forgettable I Had to Click on the Title Just to Remind Myself That I Had Actually Seen It and Written About It: The Dilemma.

Grae: That also was on my list of nominees for Movie Grae Drake Is Most Glad She Missed of 2011. Sorry Vince Vaughn, now we’re frenemies.

Dave: Best Catholic Church-Sponsored Distraction from Reality: The Rite, specifically for the moment where it's announced that the Church is installing an exorcist in every parish because possessions are on the uptick.

Grae: I’m giving Anthony Hopkins a Drakie for Best Go-Bananas Actor for that same film, as I am not sure whether he was trying to save it or sink it. And my next award is Best Vampiric Moment That Makes Twilight Look Like the Movie for Emotional Babies That It Is: Limitless. I love watching People's Sexiest Man Alive lick blood off the floor.

Dave: I, too, give Limitless an award, for Best Use of an Ice-Skate-Wearing Child as a Weapon. I would also like to award Most Dumbest Let's Put a Kitten in a Dryer Moment to The Roommate.

Grae: YES.

Dave: Most Effective 3D That Isn't Justin Bieber's Hair in Never Say Never (which was already noted by John Waters in his own Top 10 list in Artforum): Danny Trejo sexing up the Christmas tree in A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas.

Grae: Good one. As for Bieber, that was the sole moment that made that movie’s 3D not pointless. Funny how now it exists as a historical record of the once-existing infamous haircut that haunted short-haired women everywhere. Creepiest Eye Belonging to a Guy So Hot We Don't Care: Michael Fassbender, Jane Eyre.

Dave: Did he have creepy eyes in that?

Grae: Yeah, in the end.

Dave: I honestly think coolest creepy eyes should go to Michael Shannon. He can make his move in different directions.

Grae: I may cede this point and change the category slightly to Creepiest Eyes Not Belonging to Steve Buscemi.

Dave: Best Dave Matthews Abuse in an Adam Sandler Movie: When Dave Matthews clenches a coconut between his butt cheeks in Just Go With It.

Grae: That same movie could win Bounciest Boobs of 2011 as well. It was between Brooklyn Decker or Heather Graham in Judy Moody and the Not Bummer Summer.

Dave: Here's who was robbed in that category: Sofia Vergara in New Year’s Eve. They all but bind her up like Hilary Swank in Boys Don’t Cry, even when she’s jumping up and down.

Grae: GARRY MARSHALL MUST BE STOPPED! Here's another: Movie to Cause Biggest Drop in Lasik Surgeries: Final Destination 5.

Dave: Best Horny Animals That Are Also Sometimes Ghosts: Uncle Boonmee Who Can Recall His Past Lives.

Grae: Best Beer Tankard: The human skull from Drive Angry.

Dave: Worst ‘80s Abuse: Take Me Home Tonight.

Grae: The poor ‘80s. When I asked them why they had a black eye, they said they ran into a door.

Dave: The Worst Movie with the Most Michelle Rodriguez and The Best Movie with the Least Michelle Rodriguez: Battle: Los Angeles and Fast Five, respectively.

Grae: Best Movie Where White Guys Talk About Math: Moneyball.

Dave: Best Bribery: Pom Wonderful Presents the Greatest Movie Ever Sold, because at the press screening I was given free Amy's Frozen Food coupons, Free Pom Juice and a coupon for a free pair of jeans from Old Navy even though I'm too fat to wear their dumb jeans and I gave my coupon to my friend Gary.

Grae: Wow, that is good. Nice work Morgan Spurlock! Enjoy your samurai koala.

Dave: The Best We Can Probably Ever Hope For in Terms of Carrie Underwood Enjoying an Acting Career: Soul Surfer. And she wins specifically for her sad inability to wrap a simple bandage around a fake tsunami victim's head.

Grae: Speaking of Carrie Underwood, I’m having a hard time deciding about Best Alien Award: should it go to Paul from Paul, or Sarah Jessica Parker in I Don’t Know How She Does It?

Dave: The thing in Super 8 is my favorite, but SJP gives it a good run.

Grae: Actor Who Was Twice as Good in a Movie This Year as Anyone Else:  Dominic Cooper for Devil's Double.

Dave: Best Cuddly Animal Film of Death to Take Your Kid to in Case You Actually Dislike Your Child and/or Just Want to Teach Him About the Real Circle of Life: African Cats.

Grae: Speaking of animals, Least Shark: Shark Night.

Dave: No kidding. There wasn't any night in it either. Best Nails on a Chalkboard: Teyana Taylor in Madea's Big Happy Family with her nonstop braying of "By-raaaaaaaaaaaaa---aaaa----aaaa---aaaaaaaan! I am not kidding when I say that very little has made me laugh harder than that woman.

Grae: Best C-Section: Twilight Breaking Dawn Part One.

Dave: Agreed.

Grae: Best Jacket: Drive. Can girls wear those? 'Cause I want one.

Dave Most Confusing Thing of All Time: Something Borrowed.

Grae: That is also our Best Dave White and Grae Drake Jinx Moment. After the button in the credits we both yelled, "Huh?

Dave: Least Effective Use of Penelope Cruz: Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. And her mustache. What was that?

Grae: It seemed like they had delegated someone entirely to making her look bad. Hot Guy That Makes so Much Fun of Himself Sexually I Almost Believe Him: Justin Timberlake in Bad Teacher and Friends with Benefits.

Dave: Best Dogs: Beginners and The Artist.

Grae: Yeah, that's a tie.

Dave: We mentioned it earlier, but Kid Movie That Got More Hate Than It Deserved: Judy Moody. Also, Kid Movie That Got Less Hate Than It Deserved: Mr. Popper's Penguins.

Grae: Scariest AARP Meeting: Paranormal Activity 3.

Dave: The Movie I Love Even More After Writing the Review That I Should Have Given an Extra Star to Because People Really Do Care About That Kind of Thing and I Know This Because They Tell Me All the Dang Time: Bellflower.

Grae: Most Boring Use of Hot Girls, Sparkly Underpants and Samurai Swords: Sucker Punch. Zack Snyder, we're still fighting.

Dave: Honorary Award for Continued Excellence in the Deployment of Useless Screaming in a Franchise: Every single time Shia LaBeouf screams "OPTIMUUUHHHHS!" in all the Transformers movies.

Grae: That same movie wins The Shiniest Robot Award: Rosie Huntington Whitely.

Dave: And with that, the Drakies are over. Oh wait one more. Best Movie Called “The Roommate:” The Roommate. There. It’s a sweep. Thank you for reading. Come back next year when we’re televised.

 

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