When Movie Posters Make You Feel Really Bad for Dwayne “Formerly The Rock” Johnson
The other day I stopped off at my local multiplex to catch a moving picture with a couple of good buddies of mine when all of a sudden I stumbled across an image of Dwayne Johnson wearing fairy wings and ice skates and a mean look on his face underneath the teaser line … The Tooth Hurts. Know what else hurts? My head, contemplating seeing that flick. What happened to the guy who they used to call “The Rock”? Where did he go? Seriously – I need to know where to seek out my refund after his Tooth Fairy movie causes me to lose all faith in the male species.
A Closer Look: Who’s Bailing Out The Weinstein Co.?
Spare Some Change: With talk of their company falling apart due to lack of staff and severe money woes, Harvey and Bob Weinstein are hanging on by a thread.
The FAIL: In a last-ditch effort to make some money at the box office, Bob Weinstein announced that, next year, the company would be churning out sequels or reboots for several popular franchises (like Scream, Scanners, Hellraiser and Spy Kids). Word has it the budgets will be so low on these films that the Hellraiser remake will only feature one continuous close-up of a fireplace, while two hairy male hands chuck invoices and credit card bills on top of the flames.
The WTF?: Rumor has it that Summit Entertainment may acquire The Weinstein Co. for an undetermined amount of Twilight dollars. Rumor also has it that Bob and Harvey Weinstein will be replaced by Robert Pattinson, who will then be given the title: President of Awesome.
This Week on Hollywood’s Most Wanted
Roman Polanski – Famous Hollywood director who most recently won an Academy Award for his film The Pianist, and helmed such classics as Rosemary’s Baby and Chinatown.
Violation (Statutory Rape) – Thirty years ago, Polanski drugged up, boozed up and sexed up a young girl who happened to be 13 at the time. After facing multiple charges, some jail time and a judge who wanted to look good on TV, Polanski bolted to France where they don't care about that sort of thing.
Sentence: TBD
Hollywood’s Most Wanted Update!!! – While traveling to accept an award at the Zurich Film Festival, authorities took Polanski into custody to await possible extradition back to the United States. Meanwhile, over in La La Land, celebrities like [cough] Woody Allen [cough] are signing petitions and doing stupid celebrity things in an attempt to save Polanski from an unfortunate fate. As of this story, Polanski remains in Switzerland … where he may or may not be eating an obscene amount of cheese.
Roger Avary – Screenwriter of films like Pulp Fiction, True Romance, Beowulf, Silent Hill and The Rules of Attraction.
Violation (Vehicular Manslaughter) – Last year, Avary was driving home drunk from a function at over 100mph when he crashed into a telephone pole, injuring his wife (who was ejected from the vehicle) and killing his friend.
Sentence (1 Year) – After switching his not guilty plea to guilty earlier this year, Avary cashed in his Official Hollywood Leniency card (handed out to all major players and Oscar winners in Hollywood) and was sentenced to one year in prison and five years probation.
Next time on Hollywood’s Most Wanted: Can George Clooney go to jail for sleeping with too many women?