Wanted: Blond Bombshells to Play Barbie in a Film About How Being Perfect Is Soooo Perfect
As if our angst-ridden teen and tween girls aren’t served enough “beautiful” on a daily basis, Universal has a gift for insecure females of the world -- a live-action movie based on Barbie!
Since there’s no way the studio and Mattel agreed on a story that would find Barbie struggling to make rent and support her three kids (who all come from different fathers) by moonlighting as a pole dancer who would probably take it to the next step for the right price, we should probably prepare ourselves for Mean Girls without the “mean.” Ya know, something that shows kids how being perfect doesn’t always have its perks, and how even though everyone but you thinks your boyfriend Ken is gay, that doesn’t mean he’ll stop going steady.
And the Award for the Studio that’s Counting the Most Chickens before They Hatch Goes to …
Warner Bros., for attempting to sign Brad Pitt to star as the villain in their Sherlock Holmes sequel three months before the first movie’s release. Did they forget that notorious box office dud Guy Ritchie directed this film? Or that it’s based on a boring British detective and his bromance with sidekick Watson (played in this film by Jude “He Could Easily Go Both Ways” Law)? Sure it’s got Robert Downey Jr. in the lead role, but this time he can’t hide behind an iron suit and blow shit up with a missile launcher strapped to his arm.
A Closer Look: Diablo Cody
We’ll Give Her Juno: Though Ellen Page’s whip-smart tongue became somewhat annoying and pointless by the one-hour mark, Juno was original enough, clever enough and cutesy enough to catch on like an STD at the prom. Here’s hoping her obligatory California Cody-speak won’t rub us the wrong way in her Sweet Valley High adaptation.
The FAIL: When you need a specific Cody-centric dictionary to make it through the movie without wanting to strangle the first former stripper with a bowl cut you see, then it’s time to cut the crap. Stop using your quirk-tarded dialogue as a crutch and pay more attention to entertaining us with your story and characters versus a shopping bag full of hipster-speak.
The WTF?: Jennifer’s Body included a whole new batch of Cody-isms, like, um, “Faygo,” “Front butt,” “Freaktarded” and “Lesbi-gay.” ??