'The Avengers' Countdown: How to Prepare for 'The Avengers,' from Pajama Pants to Hulk Cologne

'The Avengers' Countdown: How to Prepare for 'The Avengers,' from Pajama Pants to Hulk Cologne

May 01, 2012

John Gholson is a life-long Avengers fanboy who has previously covered all manner of superhero news at AOL. After dabbling with comic book self-publishing in the '90s, John moved on to study sequential art at the Savannah College of Art & Design, and currently produces a regular web comic, ‘Appetite for Destruction,’ for Tapsauce.com. He’ll also buy any comic with Hawkeye on the cover. You can read his AvengersCountdown here at Movies.com once a month.

How do you let people know that you’re THE biggest Avengers fan ever? You don’t want those people at the movie theater to think you’re a poser! Well, I’m here to help. If you follow some of the suggestions in this very article, there should be no reason anyone would dare to mock you for not being fan enough. They may mock you for other reasons, but that’s their problem, right? And, sure, anyone can cosplay, but it takes a certain special kind of someone to wear a piece of clothing that represents every character in the film, all at the same time!

You can find superhero t-shirts most anywhere, but none with more street cred than the ones at WeLoveFine.com. There’s a shirt for every major character, including Loki if you want to indulge your dark side. For designs that are more straight-forward and less stylized, check out Mad Engine. They’ve also got a tee for just about any Marvel character you could ask for. But, if you’re that excited about The Avengers already, you’ve probably already got a Marvel tee in your closet. Do you own Marvel pants? Well, now you can! Amazon has these Iron Man pajama bottoms, sure to impress the entire auditorium on opening weekend (and the day after that, and the day after that).

Female Avengers’ fans can get away with the tee and the PJ pants, but no male fan could get away with wearing the Black Widow cami and panty set in public. If you do plan on wearing this one to the multiplex, it would probably help to know a few of Widow’s fight moves, to fend off any possible unwanted attention from drooling fanboys.

It’s going to be difficult to hold your popcorn with a giant foam pair of Hulk hands on, so start practicing now. My suggestion is to wear Captain Americas shield on your back, just like the hero does. You could add a wrist strap to Mjolnir, so it can dangle from your arm while you carry your popcorn around in your new over-sized mitts.

The Thor, Cap, and Iron Man helmets are kid-sized, so you’ll need something else for your head. Might I suggest the Hulk beanie from Tokidoki? I realize it’s not perfect for Summer weather, but it’s SO CUTE. If you’re looking for regular caps, Amazon has a ton of them, including this camo trucker cap with the phrase “It’s hard to be humble when you’re an Avengers fan” right up there for everyone to see. There is no greater truth.

“We have an army.”

“We have a Hulk cologne!”

Okay, so maybe that scene goes a little differently in the film, but you could have a Hulk cologne, if you wanted to smell like a giant green radioactive monster. The remarkable thing is that there are actually two different types of Hulk colognes, so find the scent that’s less likely to make people’s noses bleed. Captain America, surprisingly, has three different fragrances. From the product description for Avengers Patriot: “A cologne that pays homage to the confident, stand-up-to-bullies, hard working average Joe in every man. Avengers Patriot Your Attack Plan Captain America Cologne is both reserved and sexy; like a symbol on a shield or a moniker on a motorcycle helmet. Smell just like Steve Rogers!”

I like to think one is for WWII, one is for getting frozen in ice for a few decades, and one is for the modern man-out-of-time. Sadly, Iron Man has but one scent. I’d imagine a little WD-40 behind the ears would be close to what Iron Man actually smells like.

Your final step toward super-fandom: Get this Captain America shield bag and fill it with every book on this list of required Avengers reading material. If there’s any room left at all, fill those crannies with Marvel Legos, so that you can re-enact key scenes to those waiting in line for the next screenings. They’ll love it; don’t forget to spoil the mid-credits sting.

Now drive home in your brand-new Acura, with a Dr. Pepper collector’s can in one hand and a slice of Red Baron frozen pizza in the other. You’ve earned it, Avenger.

The Avengers, a Joss Whedon film, stars Robert Downey Jr., Chris Evans, and Chris Hemsworth. There are 3 days until release.

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