If you somehow avoided the hurricane that was Twilight last year, there’s no possible way you managed to avoid it this time around. The entire known universe is so blanketed with Twilight nonsense that I’m half-surprised President Obama didn’t arbitrarily decide to give Twilight, Stephenie Meyer and all her fans their own state.
Because if you’re anything like me (a balding, somewhat overweight grumpy thirty-something who despises loud teenagers and vampires who sparkle in the sunlight), then chances are you go to sleep every night praying that after The Twilight Saga: New Moon finally arrives in theaters people will maybe stop talking about the bloody franchise for, oh, half a second.
Yes, there’s such a thing as overload, and I believe we’ve reached our breaking point. The franchise, which I commended this past summer for single-handedly saving fandom, has turned into an unstoppable monster that produces nonstop nonsense. This isn’t just a film, this is a movement – and if you were anywhere near the film’s Comic-Con panel back in July, you probably think this is hell.
So what do we do? With at least two more films left in this particular series (spin-off films and TV shows are pretty much a given), there’s really nowhere to hide. Unless there’s someone with enough tween influence to successfully remove Twi-hards from their shirtless, feverish vampiric dreams and smack them across the face with a reality check. Hmm … but who can that be? Ahem …
The One Where Miley Cyrus Tries to Come to Our Rescue By Bashing Twilight, but Ends Up Failing Miserably!
That’s right, Miley Cyrus – the former Queen of Tween – was caught blasting the franchise responsible for brainwashing, oh, I’d say about 98% of her former fans. Yes, in case you were wondering, Cyrus – whose next film, The Last Song, just debuted a trailer – is definitely not a fan of all things Twilight. And just when we all thought Cyrus would come to our rescue and become the voice of reason (after all, most of these Twi-hards were raised on Hannah Montana), she opens up her mouth and spits out the most ridiculously absurd comment in the history of ridiculously absurd comments.
And it went something like … "I've never seen [Twilight], nor will I. I don't believe in it. I don't like vampires, I don't like the wolf that pops out of the screen when I'm watching TV at night, I don't want anything to do with it. I don't like the shirts, I don't like any of it."
Um, Miley, were you tripping on acid when you saw those New Moon TV commercials? Last time I checked wolves weren’t popping out of my television screen. And their … shirts? Really? Or were you talking about the Three Wolf Moon shirt, which has nothing at all to do with Twilight and everything to do with being awesome?
Here’s my opinion: If you’re a really big celebrity and role model for kids, don’t bash an entire beloved franchise unless you have a better reason than wolves magically popping out of your TV to dance with sugarplums above your head. Tell us Kristen Stewart’s a bad actress and Robert Pattinson is more overrated than the Minnesota Vikings and their like 102-years-old Brett Favre, but don’t give us some half-assed complaint about shirts as if we’re all supposed to go “Ah, so that’s why Twilight sucks – it’s the shirts! They shrink in the dryer! Ban them all!”
So, yeah, thanks Miley. You’ve made things worse for all of us.