'Scary Movie 5' Review: Ballerina Sort Of Sex, Frying Pans to the Face and More Unfunny Stuff

'Scary Movie 5' Review: Ballerina Sort Of Sex, Frying Pans to the Face and More Unfunny Stuff

Apr 12, 2013

The following is 100% spoiler. Like it matters.

Busted, dead-eyed Lindsay Lohan makes a clothes-on sex tape with Charlie Sheen and body doubles spin around in the air and then a Morgan Freeman narration impersonator goes yap yap yap yap yap and then Snoop Lion and Mac Miller walk to a cabin in the woods and enjoy an amiable chat about how it burns when they get shampoo in their respective “pee holes” before then launching into an extended conversation about the cabin in the woods and how much it’s like the cabin in the woods from the horror movie about the cabin in the woods and then they roll a huge canoe-sized blunt and then Ashley Tisdale and Simon Rex are the people from Mama and they punch a toddler in the face and set a baby on fire and one of the feral Mama children puts a toothbrush up her own butt and smells it and faints and then Rex goes to work as an ape researcher and Tisdale goes to work as a ballet dancer so that there can be references to Rise of the Planet of the Apes and also Black Swan and also Inception but I forget why that happened other than that they wanted to show you that they found a Leonardo DiCaprio look-alike and then somebody takes a frying pan to the face and Tisdale and Rex’s housekeeper goes into a Paranormal Activity-style trance and hits a pinata with a stick because she’s Mexican and that’s why that’s so much LOLs and then Honey Boo Boo backward-pops out of the Sinister box and Tisdale and another ballerina go to a dance club where a DJ spins a pizza instead of a record because they’re both round in shape and that’s also a lot of excellent chuckles and then Tisdale and the other ballerina have lesbian sex but it’s PG-13 so they cut to clips of people mangling scissors together and tacos bumping up against one another and then it was all a hallucination and Tisdale was actually humping a poison ivy plant and a lamp and a microwave and the Mexican maid makes them a pie full of turds because of that bit we all loved from The Help and exorcist Katt Williams comes over and steals their valuables and Rex bangs his penis against metal objects to make a funny clanking noise because his boner is actually some kind of unseen lead pipe and then stop-motion pool vacuum cleaners have a party and Molly Shannon’s funny bits as an aging ballerina are chopped from the film but used over the end credits and there’s a giant sock monkey that goes on a rampage when the apes from Rex’s job go insane and start talking and Mike Tyson hits Rex in the face and Jerry O’Connell tries to put nipple clamps on Tisdale because whoo-hoo 50 Shades of Grey and a Naughty Santa Claus Man-Whore shows everybody his fat old ass.

All of life is futile and pointless. I’m so unhappy.

1/2 Star

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