Yes, we all know 50 Shades of Grey is generally a poorly written piece of fan fiction that explores kinky sexuality (kind of — the stupidity of it makes that debatable) and has become a surprising best seller across the world. Yes, we all know that everyone is trying to market off of this popularity — including hotels offering 50 Shades getaway packages and more. Enter e-publishing company Clandestine Classics, who want to sex up classic tales like Pride and Prejudice, Jane Eyre and… 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea — for those of you who like your erotica tentacle-filled. This is their marketing push:
"The old-fashioned pleasantries and timidity have all been stripped away, quite literally. You didn’t really think that these much-loved characters only held hands and pecked cheeks, did you? Come with us as we embark on a breathtaking experience -- behind the closed bedroom doors of our favorite, most-beloved British characters. Learn what Sherlock really thought of Watson, what Mr. Darcy really wanted to do to Miss Elizabeth Bennet, and unveil the sexy escapades of Mr. Rochester and Jane Eyre. We’ll show you the scenes that you always wanted to see but were never allowed."
Five classic novels will see their smutty transformations released on July 30. The company indicates they are keeping the original prose and author's voice, but adding more sexytime. We're not sure we really needed to read, "hot, spicy and all man" in Pride and Prejudice, but hey, we don't judge. If you're wondering where all the gay went, have no fear! Sherlock Holmes and Watson have been rewritten as lovers.
It's all a bit shrug-worthy since classic films have been eroticized for the screen in dozens and dozens of porn parodies — many of them as moronic as 50 Shades'
dialogue. Does making literature filthy seem more deplorable to you? How will this pervy redux extend into the cinematic universe? Today Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
, tomorrow Abraham Lincoln: MILF Hunter
? [via THR