Well, if you’re reading this you somehow managed to survive the transition from 2009 to 2010 without turning into a 10-foot tall blue cat-like creature. The slate is wiped clean, everything that happened in 2009 will now be referred to as “Sooo 2009,” and we’re hella excited to see what’s in store for Hollywood over the next 12 months. What will be the hot movies? The hot trends? The hot actors and actresses? Who will do the first ridiculously stupid thing of the year? Will Tiger Woods ever show his face in public, or will we officially declare him an endangered species?
So much to look forward to, and yet so little time to spew out our own New Year’s Resolutions. Which reminds me – how much time does one actually get to declare their New Year’s Resolution? Like, if we’re a week out is that too late? Should we even care? Well, regardless of how early or late we are to the whole resolutions game, you’re going to get a mouth full of my shtick regardless, so here goes …
Hollywood Fail New Year’s Resolution #1: We promise not to attempt to apply Avatar makeup to our face and then film the whole thing for people to make fun of on YouTube … like this chick. Words cannot explain …
Hollywood Fail New Year’s Resolution #2: We promise not to make fun of anyone who actually goes to see the film Our Family Wedding because they thought this trailer looked really promising.
Hollywood Fail New Year’s Resolution #3:
When Miley Cyrus gets caught by the paparazzi doing smack in the back of an ’88 Chevy Corsica with a dude who may or may not actually be a robot giraffe, we’ll support her choice to get help and encourage others in her position to do the same.
Hollywood Fail New Year’s Resolution #4:
We will not be supporting the new big-screen A-Team
movie unless there’s an Mr.T cameo in which he calls someone “sucka” and/or “fool.”
Hollywood Fail New Year’s Resolution #5:
For every time Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner go shirtless in The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
, we’ll pay ourselves $20 so that we’ll have enough money to do something a lot more worthwhile when The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn
Hollywood Fail New Year’s Resolution #6: We promise to be nicer to Megan Fox … as long as she stops sucking in every film she stars in.
Hollywood Fail New Year’s Resolution #7: We promise to create a new drinking game! Rules are simple: You take a shot for every well-known celebrity whose talents are absolutely wasted in the upcoming film Valentine’s Day. Yay! Games are fun!
Hollywood Fail New Year’s Resolution #8: We promise not to sugar coat anything and always tell it like it is. Sure, we understand that things change and people change, but that still doesn’t explain why Jon Heder continues to land acting roles.
Happy New Year everyone! Here’s to a FAILtastic 2010!