The week’s just beginning, and chances are you have to drag your hungover butt into work tomorrow. That is, unless you find yourself in the unemployment line alongside Bobby Walker (Ben Affleck) in The Company Men, opening December 10th. If you’ve managed to avoid corporate downsizing (probably by hiding from your boss), go ahead and saddle up for another week of pretending to be productive. For now, while we’re wasting time together, let’s gather around the proverbial internet bonfire and hearken back to that great American pastime: looking down on other people. Without further ado, here are 10 movies that will make you love your crappy job.
10. Drag Me to Hell (loan officer) So you’re a loan officer and some nice (terrifying) old lady comes in to ask for an extension on her payment. Hold the freaking phone. Who the heck does this gypsy think she’s dealing with? You’re not some hippie pushover! You’re a moderately attractive white woman! DE-FRIGGIN-NIED! Hmm… that went well. So our heroine Christine Brown (Alison Lohmann) gets tormented by some weird goat demon and Justin Long’s whiny voice until she actually does get dragged to hell. What fun. Don’t be a loan officer, especially in a bank frequented by witches.
9. The Wrestler (duh) Marisa Tomei is hot (and from the looks of it, just getting hotter), but there are some things that nobody should do for a woman. Getting repeatedly stapled is right near the top of the list. Other items on said list include shaving one’s chest hair and eating tofu. OK, so “The Ram” (Mickey Rourke) didn’t do all that stuff just to get with Cassidy (Tomei), but she’s really the only source of hope in this bucket of blues. Don’t be a wrestler, especially if you lost your virginity at a Rolling Stones concert… in 1968.
8. Secretary (also duh) As far as I know, this one didn’t the make the rounds anywhere except the late night lineup on HBO. If you haven’t seen it, allow me to summarize for you: James Spader spanks his secretary, Maggie Gyllenhaal. Repeat. Don’t get me wrong, Secretary is an occasionally cute and poignant romantic comedy/drama, but it’s more about BDSM than anything else. Imagine 20 years from now we look back and say Secretary was the movie that made it OK to spank your employees again – just like the olden days.
7. Leviathan (deep-sea miner) The year is 1989. You, like many other things in the 80’s, are trapped on a submerged mining vessel with a constantly mutating monster. As far as dangerous professions, miners pretty much take the cake. Become a miner and try to get disability insurance, I dare you. But underwater mining? Somewhere along the line, somebody just had to ask, “You know this is stupid, right?” As if being thousands of feet underground wasn’t dangerous enough, these folks added millions of pounds of pressure, freezing water, and Daniel Stern… Horrifying.
6. Starship Troopers (mobile infantry) As we all know from our extensive experience with Call of Duty video games, the modern military is 100% fun, 100% of the time. In Starship Troopers, the future of the military seems bright, and higher-ups have made a number of improvements over the current format, most notably: coed showers for attractive people. However, instead of the guaranteed fun formula of killing other humans, you’re stuck killing insects. Lame. Oh yeah… the insects are like 14 feet tall and you’re basically assured of death unless your haircut is perfect like Johnny Rico’s.
5. The Shawshank Redemption (prisoner) Suffice it to say that Andy Dufresne (Tim Robbins) had a “tough time” in prison. Until Captain Hadley and Boggs had their little “talk,” Andy had his uh… personal space invaded on more than a few occasions. The moral here is just don’t go to prison. Of course, Andy was wrongly convicted of killing his wife, so really, the moral is just don’t get married. Because if you do, you will inevitably be violated by a group of angry jailbirds.
4. The Perfect Storm (commercial fisherman) The middle of a hurricane is probably not the best time to reflect on your poor life choices, and if you ever find yourself in a situation where George Clooney and Mark Wahlberg are going to die alongside you, you don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell. Just go ahead and jump into the ocean, it’ll probably be quicker that way. To avoid this unfortunate series of events, don’t get on boats with celebrities, and be happy with your job as a high school janitor. Every time you’re cleaning up some kid’s vomit, just smile and remember that you’re not drowning.
3. High School High (Jon Lovitz) I wake up every morning and thank god that I am not Jon Lovitz. And no, I’m not talking about his character in the movie.
2. The Machinist (triple duh) Most of the headlines about this movie involved the fact that Christian Bale dropped to 120 pounds to play Trevor Reznik and followed up with Batman Begins, in which he swelled to 220. What the headlines don’t talk about is the fact that Bale’s titular machinist worked in a poorly lit room full of greasy sharp things… without sleeping for a year. Don’t be a machinist. Also, don’t work on a movie with Christian Bale.
1. Moon (space miner) What is it with miners and Hollywood? Are giant gaping holes in the ground not scary enough? You had to give us a space-rock digger? So you’re marooned all alone on the far side of the moon, harvesting some weird chemical that we use for energy back on earth, and oh drat… the company who hired you is going to kill you and replace you with your clone because that’s somehow cheaper than having a job fair. Whatever your actual job is, just be glad that your employer would rather fire you than murder you.
Got a dirty job they haven’t made a movie of, and should? Tell us. We promise not to tell your boss.