Movie Buzz

The week's top movie talk. By Mike Standish

Hot Wheels, He-Man, Barbie: The Movie ... no, really

Jan. 6, 2009

1

January
Still Hungover January sucks. It starts with a headache, and then you realize that months of work are on the horizon with no days off. And worse, there’s never any movie news that’s not related to the Oscars, which nobody cares about anyway. So let’s scrape the disgusting underbelly of the Internet for something that resembles movie buzz, eh?
2

Hot Wheels: The Movie
90-Minute Toy Commercial A movie about toy cars can only be good if the cars transform into something that can rip your head off or blow up a building. A Hasbro flack says: “We won't have the cars talk. That would be off brand position for us.” Nothing says storytelling integrity like the phrase “brand position.”
3

Barbie: The Movie
Another Surreal Toy Movie The surreal thing is that it’s going to be live action. Where are they going to find an actress who measures 39-23-33? Oh, yeah -- the Valley!
4

He-Man and the Masters of the Universe
Eternia Damnation It looks like there is no stopping this project. Further proof: A script leak confirms that the story, contrary to early reports, does in fact take place on Eternia. Apparently fanboys were actually concerned about this. Side note: Isn’t it awesome that He-Man’s sidekick is named Man-at-Arms? That is some seriously lazy writing: “Should we give the man-at-arms guy a name?” “Nah, that sounds like a lot of work. How about we just call him Man-at-Arms, like his job title? Then we can go home and drink ourselves to sleep.”
5

My Bloody Valentine
It Sucks … in THREE DIMENSIONS! Check out this clip, in which some guy in a coal mine chucks a pickaxe at some babes in a truck. Shouldn’t a 3-D killer at least try to obey the laws of physics?
6

Watchmen
Pop Quiz: What’s the one supervillain that no superhero can defeat? Answer: Lawyers. The looming Warners vs. Fox lawsuit might derail the March 6 blockbuster. Or it might not. The last remaining shred of optimism I have tells me that they’ll settle the dispute. Seriously, how can a company with $120 million on the line not just give the competition a little hush money?
7

Halloween
On With His Head Here’s a look at a not-yet-complete model of Mike Myers’ head. Looks vaguely like an art project I did in eighth grade.
8

The Beautiful and the Damned
Damned Beautiful If Keira Knightley is in it, I will watch it. It’s a rule I have. More of a way of life, really.
9

Cleo
Cle-Oh-No-He-Di’n’t! You’re not the only one who thinks Steven Soderbergh’s Cleopatra musical sounds ridiculous: Hugh Jackman has bailed.
10

Inglourious Basterds
Mark Your Calendar What are you doing on Aug. 21, 2009? Watching Quentin Tarantino’s destined-to-be-awesome comeback? Me, too!