Who’s In It: Eugene Hutz, Richard E. Grant, Holly Weston, Vicky McClure
The Basics: Three impoverished Londoners pursue various “naughty” money-making ventures on their way to bigger dreams and goals. “A.K.” (Eugene Hutz, leader of the band Gogol Bordello) hires himself out to flog and humiliate rich men, Holly is a ballet dancer who makes money stripping, and Juliette sells drugs stolen from the pharmacy where she works. Their bad behavior gets them into wacky scrapes but also teaches them lessons about life. Think of it as another one of those Kaballah-y children’s books written by Madonna (who directed this, by the way), but with a touch of S&M.
What’s The Deal: Madonna thinks she’s made an art film, but she’s really just made a dumb pile of nothing. Then again lots of first features are dumb piles of nothing. Madonna, unfortunately, is at a distinct disadvantage here, not being allowed to fail in relative obscurity like lots of people who pick up a camera and decide to make their directorial debut. Not that you’ll have much sympathy. In fact, the entire exercise will make you wish she’d stick to bad acting instead of branching out into bad everything else.
Who’s Cooler Than The Material: Eugene Hutz. This guy has so much manic energy that even his (I’m just going to guess) control-freak taskmaster director can’t keep him under her thumb. He’s got serious comic movie star potential and what may be the world’s greatest ever mustache, but he need someone who can direct him. This director is not that person.
How Much Actual Filth You’ll Get For Your Money: Unless you think strip clubs and dominatrix scenarios are the naughtiest thing you’ve ever heard of, not much. There’s more going on in the Sex book than there is on screen.
The Girl Can’t Help It: Not in the movie itself, the future ex-Mrs. Ritchie can’t keep from coyly winking at herself or keep her hands off the soundtrack, either, allowing a strip club DJ to rip a needle off one of her records and replace it with a Britney song. That’s some kind of statement about something, I guess.