Who's in It: Cuba Gooding Jr. and a bunch of kids
The Basics: When Eddie Murphy says no to a sequel, that's when you begin anxiously courting the budget Murphy: Gooding Jr. You pray that Gooding Jr. says yes, that he can clear his busy schedule and consent to grace your set with his Oscar-winning master-class in thespianing. And then you surround him with kid actors punching him in the crotch.
What's the Deal? What's great about this hideous, soul-scarring, brain-melting film is that it teaches children that to win at a competition, in this case a summer-camp snobs vs. slobs Olympiad where the paradigm-shifting "It just doesn't matter" pep talk from Bill Murray is not forthcoming, then you must play as dirty as the other team. The mean kids are cheating? Fine, all you have to do is send in the kid who tends to vomit a lot and splatter the other guys with puke. The mean kids are still cheating? Then it's time to fill a balloon with urine and bust it in the main mean kid's face.
Other Lessons You Will Learn: That it's OK to be 6 and sexually precocious, dispensing advice on how to mack to older kids. No one should call Child Protective Services to find out how you know about this sort of thing. Also, if you're inside a poop-covered outhouse, try not to accidentally light your farts on fire. Because you'll blow the place up. You won't die or anything, you'll simply emerge smoke-covered from the flaming wreckage like Wile E. Coyote after he ingests a giant box of Acme TNT. But still, poop will be everywhere.
Where It Shall Reside in the Pantheon of Films Featuring Projectile Vomiting: If The Exorcist is the Citizen Kane of projectile-vomiting movies and Stand by Me is The Godfather, then this movie is Smokey and the Bandit 3. And I say this as a big fan of movies with projectile vomiting. A good 10-foot barf can tip the scale in favor of me actually liking it. But when you can't keep that sort of thing fresh and interesting, if you can't make it engaging, then I must declare your film to be inferior and your directing skills lazy. This means you, director (and Wonder Years star) Fred Savage.
Today I Learned That Anyone Can Direct a Film: And that means I'm going to begin production on Daddy Day Krump this afternoon. I plan to reboot the franchise. It will star Urkel and will feature a camp for children who want to learn to dance wildly in clown costumes.