Who's In It: Gianna Jun, Allison Miller, Liam Cunningham, JJ Feild, Koyuki, Yasuaki Kurata
The Basics: A 400-year-old half-vampire in the body of an eternally 16-year-old schoolgirl (like if Wesley Snipes in Blade suddenly turned into Kill Bill's Gogo) is sent to a boarding school by a secret agency to kill demons hiding there. Satisfyingly enough, she takes on the school's Heathers-ish mean girls first, but it's all downhill from there.
What's The Deal: How does a sort-of-Asian, ass-kicking action movie featuring vampires, schoolgirls, beheadings, demons, monsters, samurais, ninjas and a character who can make heads explode with a finger-snap wind up so boring? It's almost against the laws of physics. You have to WORK to drain that stuff of its inherent awesomeness. But this film does it. There's no threat involved when the demons come out to play. There's no cool violence. The fight scenes are all cuts and cuts and more cuts. The blood--and there's a lot of it--doesn't even splatter right. It's what happens when you think you're making an internationally appealing action product instead of a movie. Please go enjoy Battle Royale instead.
How You Know You're In Trouble: Most of it's in English and even the American and British supporting players seem not to be speaking in their first language. It's like they hired Bjork to be the dialogue coach.
Don't Be Fooled By: Its origins. It's based on the 2001 cult anime film of the same name. But the similarities end there. Also be very suspicious of any marketing campaign that trumpets its Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon connections. Yes, people are hoisted up on wires. No, not in a way that you'll enjoy.
Most Disappointingly: It's like the makers never saw some of the certifiably insane fighting moments of classic Asian action films over the years. Or worse, they're just hoping that you never did either.